Life in One Short Month

Life has been so crazy lately, and I can't even describe it. Life has been hard, frustrating, unfair, exciting at times, and unbelievable. In the last month that I haven't been on here, I've lost a friend due to a car accident, saw a very important someone who I've missed so much (even though I saw her this past summer, but that feels like forever ago), have endured a lot of physical and emotional pain, and have gone to the ER more than the average person should. Out of all these hardships and leaps and bounds, I've stayed strong.

I went to my friend, Greg's, viewing and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do or see. I did not see myself saying goodbye to a friend like that and I hope that I don't have to do that ever again. My heart is at ease right now because of his mom's story. His mom told me that he wasn't alone. There was a woman who witnessed the accident. She went over to Greg, saw that he was gone, sat in his damaged car, held his hand, and prayed over him. She didn't know his name, how old he was, where he was from, nothing. She didn't even know what to do...other than pray real hard. I am relieved that he wasn't alone even if he passed suddenly. I know Greg is in a better place. He's happier than he ever would be on Earth, and he's in good hands. He's safe. He's loved and missed so much.

Over Fall Break, I went to my stepmom's house. I only get to see her but once a year if that, but I'm so glad that I've gotten to see her 3 times now (and a 4th time over Christmas Break). I miss her every day and love her more than she'll ever know. It was a very emotional weekend while I was there because of my seizures and finding out that Greg passed away, but I did have fun with her. I'm so glad she's there for me to this day, even after years of her and my dad being divorced. Many people think it's quite weird that I still talk to her, but no one else matters. Tammy's one of my best friends and she's still my "mom" no matter what the papers say, no matter what people say, no matter what. I love her so much and I miss her terribly.

This past Monday, I had at EEG done, and I won't know anything until tomorrow afternoon. I hope I at least get SOME questions answered. I'm tired of all the pain, all the tests, all the ER and hospital visits, all the bruises from the IVs put in me, all the blood work, all the medications I get put on, being scared out of my mind, getting sick, being "sick", everything! No one should go through 3 years of pain, 3 years being scared to sleep or do anything, 3 years of tests after same tests, 3 years of not knowing what's wrong with you. But I'm not going to give up. I refuse to give up without a fight, and I fight the pain everyday. I'm strong because the people around me make me strong and give me courage to keep fighting.

..............................to be cont.......................

"It's ok to share the load" thanks KRay!

This week has just been plain out awful, I won't lie. It's been one of those kinds of weeks where I just can't put a smile on my face for long. I passed out on Monday because I couldn't eat since I had back-to-back classes from 9:00-3:00 without a lunch break. I passed out in my dorm room and totally skipped my voice class in order to go to lunch. Then on Tuesday, I passed out in Jackie's and Paige's dorm room. I thought it was my blood sugar, but it wasn't. The paramedics thought it was something else so I agreed to go to the emergency room (which when I got there I knew it was a bad decision). They told me it was a seizure and so was the blackout I had on Monday. I still don't think it was a seizure. I know my body. The ER doctor also told me that none of my other health problems were a factor which was totally wrong because I was having an asthma attack in the middle of me passing out. Usually when I have a seizure, I don't remember anything and I'm violently shaking. They just now are figuring out that I have seizures. They believe the day I passed out in January of 2008 at school and the day I passed out back in May of this year at the Senior Bonfire, was a seizure (and again, I don't remember what happened and I was shaking violently). I remember passing out on Monday and Tuesday and I was shaking, like blood sugar shaking. I was weak and dizzy. It's just all frustrating. I haven't been to any of my classes since Tuesday, missed a Precal test yesterday, and I'm really far behind.

Today, I went to the doctor because I've been having really bad, sharp pains on my left side from my ribs all the way down to my hip bone and around my diaphragm. I did blood work (which they had to poke both of my arms and dig to get a vein...fun right? YEAH RIGHT!). My test came back negative for any stomach ulcers and I'll find out on Monday if anything is wrong with my liver. My doctor thinks that it's all the medicine I'm on so she took me off of the Naproxen and told me to double up on my Nexium. Just glorious! I've been scared that something like this was going to happen and they told me that it was "ok" to take all that medicine at once where it won't do any harm. YEAH RIGHT! No offense to any of the doctors I've seen (and trust me, I've seen too many), but I'm really sick of all the tests, x-rays, MRIs, blood work, IVs, just EVERYTHING! It'll be 3 years in October, I believe, that all of this has been going on. They've tested me for diabetes (negative), tumors (negative), heart problems (negative), ulcers (negative) EVERYTHING UNDER THE MOON! and it's all NEGATIVE! It's scary, frustrating, and just plain out tiring. All the doctor appointments, ambulance rides, Emergency Room visits, pass outs, asthma attacks, medicines, just everything. But you know? I've been hanging in there, staying strong, taking all the pain that goes with the tests and the everyday pain, trusting God and knowing that He's with me, and choosing to put a smile on my face acting like every thing's fine when it's not. My stepmom, Tammy, has told me so many times that it's amazing how much I've been through the last 3 years and in my whole life and yet, I still have a smile on my face and have enough strength to say, "I'm doing ok," to someone who asks how I am, even though I'm far from just "ok." I'm honestly terrible. I'm just blessed to have family and friends who are so supporting even though they have no idea what it's like going through all of this, but they try they're best to keep me sane and smiling while taking everything off of my mind. I'm really grateful to have 2 awesome teachers behind me as well. Not only were they my teachers back in high school, but also my best friends and I'm glad I can still call them my best friends. Yesterday, Mrs. Ray could tell that something was wrong other than me just being in pain, and she told me that even though it's hard to talk about, it's even better to share the load sometimes. So, I told her everything that was on my mind. Mrs. Ray and Mrs. Moore have been there for me so long and this week, they're the main ones (including my mom and grandma) who have kept me sane and made sure that smile on my face was kept in it's place and I thank them so much for that. They always know what to do to make me feel better. They both just crack me up even if it's only them tripping over their own 2 feet (one foot for Mrs. Moore haha long story). I'm just so glad I have them to go to.

This week has just been a roller coaster and I'm trying my best to stay on no matter how many times it goes up, down, and around. I choose to stay strong and have a smile on my face no matter how hard it is and how much it hurts. I'm just ready for this to be over with and right now, but I feel like it's not going to. Everyone keeps telling me that they understand and that everything will be "ok" when they truly don't understand until they're in my position and when they don't know if everything will be "ok". Not trying to be negative, but I feel like it won't ever be just "ok". I'm trying to stay positive and just not think about it, but it's very hard. I'm trying to stay patient and ready for anything, but if it's not one thing, it's another. BUT! I'm going to trust in God and know that He is with me and that I will eventually be "ok".

I hope everyone has a great and restful weekend and a happy week to follow. Happy early "26th" Birthday KRay! YOU'RE SUCHA BAD LIAR! haha I will ALWAYS remember the day I found out how old you really are!...KRay: "Hey, Mariah! Could you go out to my car, girlfriend, so she can get those waters for FCA?" Me: "Yeah sure!" (me up to know good, you throw me your keys which you knew was a no-no after I came back!) I was just playing with your Velcro wallet on your keys and noticed your DRIVER'S LICENSE so I run back up to your room with Alana and we're just cracking up...KRay: "What are you laughing at, girlfriend?!?!" Me: "bahaha I know how old you are nah-nah-nah-nah-BOO-BOO!" KRay: "pshhh no you don't....OH CRAP YOU DO, you sneaky little thing you!" bahaha I love you and you totally make my day every time I see you! So have a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! "Usually I tell my kids I'm 103!" love you, "GIRLFRIEND!" :)

"You say pickles funny TOO!"

Ok so the title of the blog is just a story by itself. Jackie and I ALWAYS pick on KRay because she says "pickles" SOOO funny with that cute accent of hers and Jackie's roommate, Paige has that same accent, so we told Paige to say "pickles" and she did it and Jackie and I rolled on the floor laughing while Paige looked at us like we were on crack sort of her KRay looked at me that one day in the car when I pointed out how funny she said "pickles". haha! but ANYWAY

Wow! I haven't updated in more than a week and I apologize. It's just been a very busy weekend and week at that! Let's see:

I went home this past weekend and had a lot of fun (minus Dakota being a brat, but what's new? lol). I watched some movies with my mom and just relaxed all weekend. Sunday night, we all went to my grandparents' house (who live right in front of me) to celebrate Amber's 21st birthday wahooo! :) And me and Jon-Ryan swore up and down that my grandma put mayonaise in that dang cake icing, but she said she didn't. We were still convinced that she did because it sure did taste like that and we were the only ones that tasted it haha! But anyway we had a blast!

I didn't go home until Tuesday morning which me and my mom were doing last minute shopping at 8:30 that morning. We went to Kohls to get me some jeans and a shirt and then to CVS here across from the campus to get some groceries. I was like 3 minutes late to my chorus class, but it was all good.

This week has been SO TIRING! Tuesday was a pretty chill day until that night! My LA 100 class and I had dinner with President Whitson (she's the president of C^2 if you didn't catch that lol). She's just so awesome and very sweet AND funny! We all had a great time and took TONS of pictures! Then after the dinner I went with Jackie and Jessica to the USC campus to go to this church event called RUF. We met a lot of nice people and it was just a blast! Britton, the preacher I guess he was lol, looks and talks EXACTLY like KRay's husband, Lawrence. It kinda freaked me out a little lol, but he's a very nice and funny guy. After RUF we went to Marble Slab which I must say I envy USC students SO BAD! They have a Burger King, Chick-Fil-A, Taco Bell, Marble Slab, and a Pizza Hut in their 2 story cafeteria. I don't like Burger King, but still, I envy them JUUUSSTT A LITTLE BIT! lol We had a lot of fun though. OH OH OH! So when Jackie, Jessica, and I were coming back to C^2, it totally made our night because we saw a prostitute which was VERY DISGUSTING but funny nonetheless. That shows how "bad" the neighborhoods are over here, but I still love C^2. We also got to ride in a cop car. NO, we didn't get in trouble. We were just getting escorted from the parking lot to our dorms because it's like 2 blocks away from the parking lot where we have to park. So that was the first time we ever rode in a cop car which is a good thing of course! :)

Yesterday, was just plain out exhausting. I had 4 classes and chapel to go to so I was go-go-Mariah from 9:00-2:30 (that's including lunch MOM). I got to eat at 2:00 right after chapel, but that wasn't good considering I hadn't eaten since 8:00 that morning. On Mondays, I don't get a lunch break at all because I have 6 classes on that day and then on Wednesdays I don't get a lunch break until 2:00. So, I think I'm going to go to Dean Kelley and ask her if there's any way I could do community service with KRay instead of going to chapel because by the time 2:00 rolls around, my blood sugar is really low and I feel extremely weak which isn't good at all. I've already passed out here already so I don't need that to happen again. :/

Today, is just quite boring I must say except my chorus class this morning even though I was quite tired. Melissa had to go home yesterday afternoon because she has the flu so maintenance had to come in our room and disinfect everything. I have hardly even seen Melissa since Friday so I think I'm good. I was hardly even in our room yesterday and I feel fine so I'm pretty sure I'm ok :)

Well now, I'm off to do more HW! booo. I have a 1:30 music class today and then I'm coming back here and either sleeping or doing more HW. I guess it all depends on whether or not I finish my HW now lol. But I hope all of you are having a good week and I miss you guys and love yall so much! I'll see most of yall either at the Homecoming Game/5th Quarter tomorrow night or at Chrysalis on Sunday night! :)

the elevator was amusing :)

Sick :(

Well I had to go home last night because I was sick and I didn't want to get my roommate sick if I was contagious (which I don't think I was...I'm pretty sure all it is is asthma and sinus junk since the temperature dropped). So I got some sinus medicine in me and I feel some what better. The only bad thing is that I couldn't really sing in chorus today :/

But anyway, classes are going good. Yesterday was my first day of my Precalculus 104 class and it went very well. Yesterday was a VERY lonnnggg day! I had 5 classes and a voice lesson, so technically I had 6 classes and didn't have a lunch break. I was in classes from 9:00 in the a.m. to 2:50 in the p.m. It wasn't fun at all! Then I went home and went up to the high school to run errands and came back to my house and took pictures and just relaxed since I didn't feel good.

Today, was a better day I guess you could say. I still don't feel so hot, couldn't sing that well in chorus, and didn't have an appetite. BUT OMGOSH! So I went to the bookstore to see if any of the rest of my books were in (which they weren't booo), but I DID get my Casio calculator and can I just say, IT'S FREAKIN' AWESOME! ok yes, I'm a math nerd, this I know. You don't have to ask or question me on that! haha

Haha I'm watching a Jeff Dunham video (and if you've never heard of him or have never watched some of his videos, PLEASE DO they are HILARIOUS!). Well anyway, I'm watching the one Mrs. Moore was telling me about like 2 weeks ago about the prius. It's really funny and what makes it funnier is knowing that KRay HAS a prius! haha you HAVE to go watch it! (KRay that means you too...you'll totally love it!) here's the link: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP-tyvBGla4) :)

Well I'm going to cut it shorter than usual because I'm EXTREMELY tired and even though it's only 10:15, I'm going to bed!

Better Day...I Believe

So today was...ok for the most part. The only real bad thing about today was that I wasn't able to get 3 of my books because the book store is YET AGAIN out of the books I need. It's driving me crazy that I can't do my homework over the weekend. (Yes, that just came out of Mariah's mouth). But the plus of today, was that I got to drop a class. I dropped my Computer Science class because the woman was teaching us MATH! I love math and all because I mean, come on, that's my major, but she was just not making sense. I was telling Mrs. Moore about her and she's actually Mrs. Moore's NEIGHBOR! I know, small world, right? Well, Mrs. Moore was telling me how she LOVES math! (by the way, this professor of this course, she's French. She came here 26 years ago from France and still has the heavy accent). But anywho, Mrs. Moore was telling me how Madame Shepp (is her name by the way) LOVES to figure out loop holes in math and don't get me wrong, I do too, but she was teaching us binary numbers. Now, I've been taught what and how to do binary numbers and the way she was teaching it was totally confusing not to mention this was a computer class. She was also telling us how your middle finger means the number 4 which totally threw me off. I wasn't very engaged in her class today and I guess I should have been to understand what she was saying (she's a very cool teacher nonetheless), but it was just SO confusing! But anyway back to my point. I went to my academic advisor who is THE sweetest person, and she told me that she didn't know why the people put me in that computer class when I didn't really need it, but instead needed ANOTHER Precalculus class which is ok with me (I think). I have to have Precalculus 104 AND 106 in order to go on to Calculus next semester (whee!) I love math and I guess I'll have to see how the two precalculus classes go in order for me to be less stressed I guess you could say.

Random note: we also have a case of the N1H1 flu which I'm guessing that's the swine flu lol so that's not good

But anyway, I'm getting adjusted to Columbia College even though I am at home now, but I'm not the only one. I saw A LOT of people going home today (probably because they're "scared" of getting the flu, but I mean come on, the flu is everywhere! so that's not the reason I went home lol). I know, I know, what un-nonconformist I am following everyone who's going home haha! I feel like such a stranger at my house though (not in a bad way of course). It's just that I don't have anything here except for things I didn't need to take (paintings, winter clothes, etc.). Everything's at my dorm and never in my life have I said, "I think I'm forgetting something," when I'm going to MY OWN HOUSE! lol (besides the exceptions of being at my friends' houses). So it just feels very weird.

I watched August Rush with my mom tonight (thanks to Mrs. Moore :) ) I love love love LOVE that movie and what I really love is the verse the little boy uses in the beginning and the ending: "Music is all around us, all we have to do is listen!" ahhhh! so powerful! ok sorry, I'm in love with that movie now :)

OH OH OH! so yesterday was my first day of my chorus classes and they were SO much fun! I did however get an email today saying I've been moved from an applied class to a voice class which is so exciting and I get the same teacher so we all win. The only bad thing about that is that instead of 5 classes on Mondays, I'll have 6 and will be going from 9:00 that morning to 3:00 that afternoon with NO BREAKS! So, I think I'm going to talk to my academic advisor as soon as I get back on campus and as soon as she's in her office in order to do something about my Mondays because with my blood sugar the way it gets, I can't afford not being able to eat for 6 hours! :/

Oh ok ONE more thing! I just really want to thank Mrs. Moore for 2 things: 1.) for talking to me at 3:30 when I got to the high school! I love love love LOVE our talks no matter how short or long or random they get. She always knows what to do and say to make me feel SO much better about my life no matter if her advice only lasts a few minutes, hours, days, or weeks; and 2.) for teaching me in English 4 my senior year of high school and ACT/SAT Prep my junior year. I did my first essay as a college student today and without Mrs. Moore's help these 2 years, pushing me over and over again not to use "I" or certain easy, slack words like "do" but to instead use words like "accomplish" let's say (and also not to use the word "like" lol but instead "such as" haha). So kudos to Mrs. Moore for helping me and teaching me those things. I really do think I did very well on that essay even though I was rushed. Mrs. Moore? Well, she's wonderful and I'm sad I can only see her for a short period of time once a week, but before I know it, I'll be teaching with her (well in the same high school lol). She's just awesome! LOVE YOU MOORE! :) Also, KRay, I miss you and even though I just saw your awesome FACE on Tuesday, it seems like so long because my days are SOOO long at Columbia College. I can't wait until NEXT Friday when I'll be able to talk to you and tell you everything that's been going on! I miss you two women ALREADY and never knew it would be this hard until I got here.

Well, this was extremely long and I will shutup now! haha I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL weekend and a great week that follows! You guys are so amazing and I just want to thank each and every one of you guys for the awesome support and advice you all have given me. Love you all and miss you all tons! :)

1ST CHORUS CLASS!

Wheee! Chorus was so much fun even though I EXTREMELY miss your class, C-Way! Mrs. Johnston has us doing these REALLY funny exercises. We did jumping jacks, this weird foot side-side-back-back thing, all of these exercises that made us look pregnant, and some breathing exercises. We actually did the same little hand exercise like in C-Way's class where we have to put our hand on our cheek and made sure our jaw was dropping. Then we did voice exercises which were really good. I'm loving my chorus director, she's amazing and SOOO funny! "I'm an idiot and as long as you meet me half way to idioticness, then we'll all be idiots together" bahaha. It was great!

So, today I have another chorus class called Music of the World. If THAT doesn't sound like ponies and rainbows, I don't know what does! lol. Then I have a meeting to figure out my book situation at 3:20. Then have the rest of the day to do homework that I haven't been able to do because I don't have the software or the books to do it and THAT'S about to drive me nuts! Even though I STILL have to jump on that reading in Nickel and Dimed, so I might just do that until 1:00.

I'm really hungry, but I don't won't to go to the dining hall blehhh! (even though our food is WAY better then Lexington High School's is) It's funny, we have pizza that might as well be delivery, ice cream, SODAS, and so many other things that LHS isn't allowed to have so kudos to us! lol

I'm really getting used to living here even though some days are harder than others. Like I've been saying, I know I'm only 30 minutes away, but it FEELS further away really. I'm kind of glad I didn't go to Winthrop just because I don't think I could have handled being THAT far away. I am probably THE BIGGEST home-body there is and I know I have to get over that, but when you're SO used to things back home, you don't know what to really do when you're living on your own. So, I'm gradually moving further away and I think that'll help me "fly away from the nest" lol. I really believe that God is doing this for a reason just like I believe He does EVERYTHING for a reason. I can feel Him pushing me everyday to enjoy the things I have and the things I'm able to do because a lot of people aren't able to do these things. So, I'm trying really hard :)

Well I'm going to "shut my pole hole" as Dakota says it and go eat lunch in the dining hall (maybe I might eat lunch in my room) so I'll talk to all of you guys later! Love you lots, miss you tons :)

Power Outage

Well, I had planned to go to bed at 9:00, but that didn't happen. Instead, I went to bed around 11:30 (which still wasn't bad considering I had to wake up at 9:00 this morning). Well around 4:15 this morning, the power cut off and I know this because my fan cut off (yes I sleep with a fan DIRECTLY on me. It helps my asthma at night). So I wasn't a very happy camper, but luckily it turned back on about 30 minutes later.

Right now, I'm eating a chocolate chip cookie dough poptart and it's quite delicious haha! I have about 10 more minutes until I have to head out for one of my chorus classes, so I'm going to cut it short and depart until after my class, so I'll tell all of you how it went when I get back. Love you all bunches and miss y'all tons! :)