"It's ok to share the load" thanks KRay!

This week has just been plain out awful, I won't lie. It's been one of those kinds of weeks where I just can't put a smile on my face for long. I passed out on Monday because I couldn't eat since I had back-to-back classes from 9:00-3:00 without a lunch break. I passed out in my dorm room and totally skipped my voice class in order to go to lunch. Then on Tuesday, I passed out in Jackie's and Paige's dorm room. I thought it was my blood sugar, but it wasn't. The paramedics thought it was something else so I agreed to go to the emergency room (which when I got there I knew it was a bad decision). They told me it was a seizure and so was the blackout I had on Monday. I still don't think it was a seizure. I know my body. The ER doctor also told me that none of my other health problems were a factor which was totally wrong because I was having an asthma attack in the middle of me passing out. Usually when I have a seizure, I don't remember anything and I'm violently shaking. They just now are figuring out that I have seizures. They believe the day I passed out in January of 2008 at school and the day I passed out back in May of this year at the Senior Bonfire, was a seizure (and again, I don't remember what happened and I was shaking violently). I remember passing out on Monday and Tuesday and I was shaking, like blood sugar shaking. I was weak and dizzy. It's just all frustrating. I haven't been to any of my classes since Tuesday, missed a Precal test yesterday, and I'm really far behind.

Today, I went to the doctor because I've been having really bad, sharp pains on my left side from my ribs all the way down to my hip bone and around my diaphragm. I did blood work (which they had to poke both of my arms and dig to get a vein...fun right? YEAH RIGHT!). My test came back negative for any stomach ulcers and I'll find out on Monday if anything is wrong with my liver. My doctor thinks that it's all the medicine I'm on so she took me off of the Naproxen and told me to double up on my Nexium. Just glorious! I've been scared that something like this was going to happen and they told me that it was "ok" to take all that medicine at once where it won't do any harm. YEAH RIGHT! No offense to any of the doctors I've seen (and trust me, I've seen too many), but I'm really sick of all the tests, x-rays, MRIs, blood work, IVs, just EVERYTHING! It'll be 3 years in October, I believe, that all of this has been going on. They've tested me for diabetes (negative), tumors (negative), heart problems (negative), ulcers (negative) EVERYTHING UNDER THE MOON! and it's all NEGATIVE! It's scary, frustrating, and just plain out tiring. All the doctor appointments, ambulance rides, Emergency Room visits, pass outs, asthma attacks, medicines, just everything. But you know? I've been hanging in there, staying strong, taking all the pain that goes with the tests and the everyday pain, trusting God and knowing that He's with me, and choosing to put a smile on my face acting like every thing's fine when it's not. My stepmom, Tammy, has told me so many times that it's amazing how much I've been through the last 3 years and in my whole life and yet, I still have a smile on my face and have enough strength to say, "I'm doing ok," to someone who asks how I am, even though I'm far from just "ok." I'm honestly terrible. I'm just blessed to have family and friends who are so supporting even though they have no idea what it's like going through all of this, but they try they're best to keep me sane and smiling while taking everything off of my mind. I'm really grateful to have 2 awesome teachers behind me as well. Not only were they my teachers back in high school, but also my best friends and I'm glad I can still call them my best friends. Yesterday, Mrs. Ray could tell that something was wrong other than me just being in pain, and she told me that even though it's hard to talk about, it's even better to share the load sometimes. So, I told her everything that was on my mind. Mrs. Ray and Mrs. Moore have been there for me so long and this week, they're the main ones (including my mom and grandma) who have kept me sane and made sure that smile on my face was kept in it's place and I thank them so much for that. They always know what to do to make me feel better. They both just crack me up even if it's only them tripping over their own 2 feet (one foot for Mrs. Moore haha long story). I'm just so glad I have them to go to.

This week has just been a roller coaster and I'm trying my best to stay on no matter how many times it goes up, down, and around. I choose to stay strong and have a smile on my face no matter how hard it is and how much it hurts. I'm just ready for this to be over with and right now, but I feel like it's not going to. Everyone keeps telling me that they understand and that everything will be "ok" when they truly don't understand until they're in my position and when they don't know if everything will be "ok". Not trying to be negative, but I feel like it won't ever be just "ok". I'm trying to stay positive and just not think about it, but it's very hard. I'm trying to stay patient and ready for anything, but if it's not one thing, it's another. BUT! I'm going to trust in God and know that He is with me and that I will eventually be "ok".

I hope everyone has a great and restful weekend and a happy week to follow. Happy early "26th" Birthday KRay! YOU'RE SUCHA BAD LIAR! haha I will ALWAYS remember the day I found out how old you really are!...KRay: "Hey, Mariah! Could you go out to my car, girlfriend, so she can get those waters for FCA?" Me: "Yeah sure!" (me up to know good, you throw me your keys which you knew was a no-no after I came back!) I was just playing with your Velcro wallet on your keys and noticed your DRIVER'S LICENSE so I run back up to your room with Alana and we're just cracking up...KRay: "What are you laughing at, girlfriend?!?!" Me: "bahaha I know how old you are nah-nah-nah-nah-BOO-BOO!" KRay: "pshhh no you don't....OH CRAP YOU DO, you sneaky little thing you!" bahaha I love you and you totally make my day every time I see you! So have a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! "Usually I tell my kids I'm 103!" love you, "GIRLFRIEND!" :)